The Do's and Don'ts of grief support ~ I was told this is a help for friends & family

Do's
Do ask, "How are you REALLY doing?"

Do remember that you can't take away their pain, but you can share it and help them feel less alone.

Do let your genuine concern and care show.

Do call the child by name.

Do treat the couple equally. Fathers need as much support as mothers.

Do be available...to listen, to run errands, to drive, help with the other children, or whatever else seems needed at the time.

Do say you are sorry about what happened to their child and about their pain.

Do accept their moods whatever they may be, you are not there to judge. Be sensitive to shifting moods.

Do allow them to talk about the child that has died as much and as often as they want.

Do talk about the special, endearing qualities of the child.

Do give special attention to the child's brother and sister--at the funeral and in the months to come (they too are hurt and confused and in need of attention which their parents may not be able to give).

Do reassure the parents that they did everything they could, that the care the child received was the best possible.

Do put on your calendar the birth and death date of the child and remember the family the following year(s). That you remember the child is very supportive.

Do extend invitations to them. But understand if they decline or change their minds at the last minute. Above all continue to call and visit.

Do send a personal note or letter or make a contribution to a charity that is meaningful to the family.

Do get literature about the grief process to help you understand.

Don'ts
Don't be afraid to ask about the deceased child and to share memories.

Don't think that the age of the child determines its value and impact.

Don't be afraid to touch, it can often be more comforting than words.

Don't avoid them because you feel helpless or uncomfortable, or don't know what to say.

Don't change the subject when they mention their child.

Don't push the parents through the grieving process, it takes a long time to heal and they never forget.

Don't ask them how they feel if you aren't willing to listen.

Don't say you know how they feel.

Don't tell them what they should feel or do.

Don't try to find something positive in the child's death.

Don't point out that at least they have their other children.

Don't say that they can always have another child.

Don't suggest that they should be grateful fo their other children.

Don't think that death puts a ban on laughter. There is much enjoyment in the memory of the time they had together.

Avoid the following cliches:

"Be brave,don't cry."

"It was God's will" or "it was a blessing."

"Get on with your life. This isn't the end of the world."

"God needed another flower in his garden."

"At least it wasn't older."

"You must be strong for the other children."

"You're doing so well."

"You're young, you'll get over it."

"Time will heal."

I read this today and it gave me hope

In this sad world of ours, sorrow comes to all.
It comes with bittersweet agony.
Perfect relief is not possible, except with time.
You cannot now realize that you will ever feel better. And, yet, this is a mistake.
You are sure to be happy again. To know this, which is certainly true, will make you less miserable now.
I have experienced enough to know what I say.
- Abraham Lincoln
 

Abraham Lincoln & Mary Todd had 4 sons:
Edward Baker died at 3 years of age

Six Months

Today Remi would be six months old......

How can it be that he isn't here with us.

I really don't know what to think....half the time I still catch myself daydreaming about what he would be like and how much different our lives would be. 
The pain is still so raw...

Instead of watching him grow and playing with him...today I just completed designing his Urn and the artwork that will go on it.

I feel we have a bit more time in between the waves that crash over us so that we can enjoy life a bit...but when they hit...they do so with such force that it really is debilitating....and they just keep coming. We know this will be part of our lives as we will miss his presence forever...

We want to say thank you to everyone who donated to hospice in Remi's honor. Hospice has been a life line for us. We appreciate your thoughtfulness.

xx

Christmas in Mexico...

words from my friend Amy

Hey Kellie

I have been reading your blog & am very touched by it. I hope that sharing these feelings is helping you, it is good to get it OUT.

I wanted to comment on a few things, but I am a true computer Klutz & can't post anything. But I love the 1 about when you found out you were preggo, and how you told Kristian.

I think about Remi a lot, especially over Christmas.

love you,

Amy

words from a wonderful woman " Meganne" who helped me a lot

dear kellie..................


how wonderful to hear your words of Love...............your hearts are so big and i feel the Love that remington brought to you both..............wow, what a way to cherish him........by creating that blog, that bouquet of memories ...........sharing them with all of us.............letting us love him also...............

my heart feels remington and is filled............ayla, my girl is with him also..............and it brings tears to my eyes...............

i'm thankful that her passing allowed me to help you...................

you are now helping many others.................

blessings to you and kristian.................and Love,

meganne

i wanted to post this on your blog, but i'm not that skilled............please post it for me.......thank you!

A year ago tomorrow

A year ago tomorrow I found out I was pregnant(December 22, 08). We had been trying for quite some time so when a friend suggest I go buy a test kit I really didn't think it would be positive...

We were having company for two + weeks over the holidays and all I could think was...not now please. I was so exhausted that I couldn't stay awake. I thought I must be getting the flu because I ached and felt sick. On my way to do the grocery run before company arrived I started crying as I was driving. I knew I wasn't up for company but that was a funny reaction...come to find out it was raging hormones. My friend called as I was sitting in the parking lot of the store crying my eyes out...she suggested picking up a test kit. I had to stand in line at the grocery store pharmacy and I didn't have time to be doing that(thinking it would just be negative anyway). I ended up leaving the line and then going back, knowing I wouldn't be able to get away to pick one up without the firing line of questions about where I was going all alone. 

I rushed home and ran upstairs to take the test...as I was opening it a car pulled up, they were here. I ripped it open and was trying to read the instructions as they were coming in the house. Kristian starts yelling for me as I'm peeing on the stick...then they start coming up the stairs and Kristian is still yelling for me...any second I knew it would be the same old negative.....NO, it turned positive right away : ) I'm sitting in the toilet in utter disbelief, happiness, shock you name it. All the while my husband is still yelling for me and bringing people into our bedroom. I needed a minute to myself, I had never been pregnant before so I was shaking and my mind was gone. Should I run out screaming I'M PREGNANT or wait and tell Kristian first??

I would wait and tell him on Christmas Eve. Three very long days to live with the greatest news, alone.

Eventually I made it out of the bathroom and had no idea what I was saying about anything...all I could think was I'M PREGNANT! Just to be sure though I headed straight to drink as much water as possible so I could take the other test right away. When I did.....again, positive right away. Yay! Then the private search(in a house with 5 guests) for an OBGYN in a town I just moved to started. I lucked out and found the best possible one and was able to see her the next day(Dec. 23) for a proof positive test. I liked her immediately...and her test was positive. All the people in the office were so happy and I was beaming. It was also a relief that someone else knew the good news. I had the office write a letter to Kristian telling him the news (click on the letter above) I wrapped this and gave it to him when we found a private moment on Christmas Eve. I was nervous, and he thought I was serving him with papers of some sort because he could tell I was acting strange(more than usual), it was funny. We sat on the couch in our room and when he read it he actually fell onto the floor, grabbed my legs and was crying then we both cried together. It was an amazing moment that I'll never forget and will cherish forever!

Worldwide Candle lighting ~ 12-13-09

Kristian and I attended a candlelight vigil on December 13, in memory of our son Remi and all children who have died. The event was Worldwide and gave Parents a special way to honor their child. There were hundreds of  people that attended. We took a framed photo of him and placed it with all the others. When his name was read we lit the candle that we were given for him and placed at his photo. Everyone received a candle to hold and it was lit by the person next to you. It was so beautiful and touching to see all the candles lit for them on their day of rememberance.

Many wonderful friends and family lit a candle for Remi...thank you for that.