Saturday, June 12, 2010

~ Dragonfly Story ~

Remi’s dragonfly story started before he was even born…
I was busy with all the preparations and making sure I had all the things needed for his nursery.
I found some really nice swaddling blankets made from gauze cotton…they were also made in Australia so that was even more fitting. I really wanted to get a few of these blankets to have on hand, but when I saw the one with the dragonflies that also happened to be more expensive than four plain ones, I would get just that one….he had to have that one.
I envisioned him wrapped up in it when he was making the trip home from the hospital.
He did get wrapped in it at the hospital…but it wasn’t until after he left us…still, I wanted him to be wrapped in the blanket that was meant to be for bringing him home and laying on in the grass when he was older.
That was the beginning…

A couple weeks after Remi died, I was on the phone in the Kitchen area of the house. I had also opened our sliding glass door about a foot to let Parker out. I left it opened for him to come back in…during that time I was in mid conversation when a dragonfly flew in the small opening and then circled around right in front of me a few times, then flew back out. When it first flew in I was worried that it would do the typical bouncing into windows and everything in site and would break his wings…..not even close.

A few minutes later he flew back in through the small opening and around in front of me again…then back out. That seemed strange to me…. in total it happened five times. By the third time I wasn’t focused on the conversation I was having at all…I knew this was a very special dragonfly...maybe it was trying to tell me something but I didn’t know what.

A couple days later as I was standing outside on the terrace of Remi’s room…a dragonfly showed up and flew around and around just in front of me for about 15 minutes..until I had to leave. He made me smile and gave me some hope. I started thinking as I stood up there…maybe this dragonfly was somehow sent by Remi to me, since he knew I loved his dragonfly blanket and maybe he saw himself in it as he was pulled away from this life…

I started looking up information about dragonflies…
The main symbolisms of the dragonfly are renewal, positive force and the power of life in general. Some Native Americans believe dragonflies are the souls of their loved ones. Also, as a creature of the wind, the dragonfly frequently represents change and transformation. And as a dragonfly lives a short life, it knows it must live its life to the fullest with the short time it has - which is a lesson for all of us.

A while later I was buying a gift for a special person...she happened to be the person that worked at the funeral home where Remi was. We miraculously were able to see him again two weeks after he died…to have our special time with him, memorize him and tell him everything we needed to…and to say our good bye’s in a clearer state…he was so beautiful.

I bought her a book and a dragonfly bookmark because it reminded me of him. After all...the gift was really about him and to thank her for being so wonderfully kind to us. She bought me a gift too. As she opened her present, I explained that I had to get her a dragonfly bookmark because it reminds me of my son Remi…..She started to cry and shake her head in disbelief. She handed me her gift….when I opened it… it was a tiny jade green dragonfly and a story about a dragonfly. Part of the story was used on Remi’s Urn…this is what it says...

A million tears or more these eyes have cried
And a million more lay in wait
I am bathed with them
And yet my heart is still broken
And all that is within me aches
With the loss of you, the wanting of you
I know that your spirit flies free
And in the quiet depths of my heart, I can see you still
In the iridescent gleam of each dragonfly
Skimming the surface between heaven and earth

It took me six months after Remington died to finally be able to design his Urn and the artwork to go on it…I couldn’t imagine having to sum up what his life meant on such a small surface…even though his life on earth lasted only a day. I was overwhelmed and nothing seemed good enough.
An artist friend of mine was trying to help me with the artwork but she had so much going on herself that I didn’t want to take up her time. I did know that I wanted a dragonfly and preferably a watercolor…I considered doing it myself for a while, but doing the artwork along with the words perfectly was an enormous effort in my state of mind…and I would mess it up for sure.
I searched high and low for inspiration…then one day I went on to a web site that allows artists to display their work and you can commission them…I entered dragonflies in the search area…it brought up over fifteen thousand items…everything from jewelry, clothing, art, dishes you name it. I looked through these things for weeks…buying a couple things along the way.
I came across a watercolor of dragonflies that I loved it instantly…that was the kind of thing I wanted for his Urn. It was actually a bookmark so it was too small but I wondered and hoped that this artist would make me something custom....I clicked on the item to get the contact information…the name of her web site was…… Chills went down my spine and I knew this was meant to be…

I contacted the artist…who’s last name happened to be Remington…we worked together for weeks on this important project. She knew how priceless it was to us…and she made us the most perfect tribute to him…the entire story was perfect.
I’m always amazed that the artwork she displayed at the time I was searching was of her watercolor dragonfly bookmark. She paints and displays many different things…but that’s what led me to her…or was it something else? Needless to say I had to buy the bookmark too.

This past Christmas 09, Kristian and I decided to get away for the first time since Remi died. It was a really hard trip for me to take…for some reason I felt as if I was leaving him behind and I felt guilty to go…he should have been with us in body not just in spirit…our little boy on the Christmas trip we had already planned as a family.
I remember the plane flight there…I was in a row where next to me was a missing seat…that just summed it up and made it all the more in my face…he wasn’t with us and neither was his seat.. I started to feel as if I were drowning at thirty two thousand feet…I could barely breathe.
On one hand it was nice to be in a new place with my Husband, but I was broken beyond repair…
The thing that made my trip take a happy turn was when I went out on the balcony on Christmas morning…there were at least 40to 50 dragonflies circling in front of our room…
I watched them and cried for at least an hour….what a perfect present.

Today June 8, 2010…we went to the Santa Barbara Cemetery to possibly find a suitable place to memorialize Remi’s life. A place to go and honor him, a place with his name written in stone..forever.
We were taken and shown 2 different areas of the Cemetery….nothing felt quite right though.
We had one other place to look…the Sunrise Urn Garden… when I walked there I just felt that this was the place. Kristian and I sat on a bench next to a fountain and it just seemed peaceful and right…
A few minutes later a single dragonfly came and flew around and around the area where we sat…as we watched, it came closer and closer to us almost touching me, then would fly around in the area that we were considering…we watched him for about 20 minutes…we felt that this was definitely a sign from Remi, giving us his approval...
As we left we tried to take photos and video of the dragonfly…which is almost impossible. We walked out of the garden and he went with us…at the end of the garden he turned toward us and just hovered in mid air for a minute at least…we walked toward him and he stayed there, then we said good bye, as we walked to the car we watched him fly away up into the sky…

Remi…my beautiful dragonfly
               = i =