The Secret Garden Meeting

"So this meeting we would like to talk about where you are. Where are you at in your grief. Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?"
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 Our Son Remington "Remi" passed away July 28, 2009, so it's just a little over three months. He lived for one day and passed away in my arms after he fought so hard to live. I feel like I'm finally through the denial phase, but the same question of WHY still goes through my head daily. We experienced a "fetal maternal hemorrhage" at full term, which is extremely rare. Getting an explanation that I can understand and that will allow me to move away from this question has not been easy. The pregnancy was flawless up to this point, so when the ultimate disaster hit us out of the blue we were blindsided. I tried for a year to get pregnant and when I was everything in my life was directed at making it the best and most healthy pregnancy I could.

 I think about him all the time! I have thoughts of what he would look like now and in the future, along with all the things we would be doing together. I think about how our future is forever changed and life will be so different then it should have been...so much less. I have dreams about him, and I can feel the love so strong that it overpowers everything. Then I wake up and the loss and grief is suffocating. Sometimes I just want to sleep forever.

 In the future I would love to be able to get to a place that doesn't hurt so badly when I think of him, because he should be with me. Right now all I want is my Son...that's all I want. I know that's not going to happen but that's what I feel now. I hope to be able to look at his photos and think on the memories that surround him without such pain and overwhelming sense of loss.

I'm now starting to have a few "better" days where I can halfway enjoy being alive. Although...a day hasn't passed so far that I haven't cried my eyes out, felt sick and that nothing else matters. Most things in life right now seem so trivial and superficial to me. I find it very hard to have a "regular conversation" without feeling exhausted from trying to make idle chit chat. I love it when people mention Remi's name or at least ask me how I'm coping or getting through the day(not... how are you, because I'm not "fine"). I know that way he was important to them too and that they understand I'm thinking of him always. I feel a relief with that. I have also found myself in an angry phase...angry at the people who have made no effort after three and a half months have passed to reach out in any way. I think in times like this you really find out who you should surround yourself with and who not to. I find it amazing that people we hardly knew or didn't know can be our biggest supporters and that some members of your own family can act as if nothing ever happened.

My Husband Kristian & I joined a Hospice group for bereaved Parents. The people there are so compassionate and wonderful. We are the new people to the group so hearing what others have experienced and made it through has given me some hope that I can survive(I didn't think I would). Knowing we're not alone and having support has eased a bit of the pain. I also have a Horse and when I'm able to be around him I find it very therapeutic. You have to really pay attention when you're around them so that gives my mind a break. Taking care of him, loving on him and our little Angel Dog Parker give me brief moments of happiness.