~ Remi's Memorial ~ July 31, 2010

Yesterday, we had a memorial and tribute to our precious son Remi.

The day couldn't have been more beautiful...complete with many dragonflies through the entire service (we called them our ushers) and birds that flew in perfect formation three times over head during the service. It was incredible to hear them and watch them pass by...it added to the powerfulness and beauty of this deeply emotional and humbling day.

The service was so special....it told the story of Remi. It had a lot of depth and light to it...it touched on the emotions of loss and eventually the start of healing.

We had the perfect person speaking. Saral has been like a gift to us, she met with us both many times together and by ourselves, helping us heal a little more and just wanting to be there for us.

Jennifer also spoke and told a bit about her experience meeting us at the funeral home and how we were able to see Remi again to say our final good bye's to him after almost two weeks...which was not supposed to have happened. She told how her experience with Remington has influenced her life and guided her to continue helping people who have lost loved ones like us and how he affected her life in such a positive way. 

Many wonderful, loving friends were there to celebrate Remi and support us....they came from far and wide.

We're glad we experienced this ritual for Remi, for our healing and the start of a new beginning.

I wish upon a Star

In a galaxy far far away....but closer than you think....there is now a star known as Remington Finn Harcourt "Remi"....

We LOVE it!! Thank you Daniel & Shannon xx

The night before we were given Remi's star I read the below saying in a book.

"When someone or something dies, its vessel shatters and the divine spark contained within it is dispersed into the universe."

1 Year

Remi

Today would be your first Birthday.

All I have are tears and the wish that you were here, even though I know there's purpose in the way things are. I'm barely hanging on today.

I look outside to the yard that I always envision you playing in...I think of the wonderful celebration we would have for you.

My heart aches for you to the deepest depths but your spirit is always with me.

I love and miss you forever
xo
Your Mother

~ Dragonfly Story ~

Remi’s dragonfly story started before he was even born…

I was busy with all the preparations and making sure I had all the things needed for his nursery.
I found some really nice swaddling blankets made from gauze cotton…they were also made in Australia so that was even more fitting. I really wanted to get a few of these blankets to have on hand, but when I saw the one with the dragonflies that also happened to be more expensive than four plain ones, I would get just that one….he had to have that one.
I envisioned him wrapped up in it when he was making the trip home from the hospital.
He did get wrapped in it at the hospital…but it wasn’t until after he left us…still, I wanted him to be wrapped in the blanket that was meant to be for bringing him home and laying on in the grass when he was older.
That was the beginning…

A couple weeks after Remi died, I was on the phone in the Kitchen area of the house. I had also opened our sliding glass door about a foot to let Parker out. I left it opened for him to come back in…during that time I was in mid conversation when a dragonfly flew in the small opening and then circled around right in front of me a few times, then flew back out. When it first flew in I was worried that it would do the typical bouncing into windows and everything in site and would break his wings…..not even close.

A few minutes later he flew back in through the small opening and around in front of me again…then back out. That seemed strange to me…. in total it happened five times. By the third time I wasn’t focused on the conversation I was having at all…I knew this was a very special dragonfly...maybe it was trying to tell me something but I didn’t know what.

A couple days later as I was standing outside on the terrace of Remi’s room…a dragonfly showed up and flew around and around just in front of me for about 15 minutes..until I had to leave. He made me smile and gave me some hope. I started thinking as I stood up there…maybe this dragonfly was somehow sent by Remi to me, since he knew I loved his dragonfly blanket and maybe he saw himself in it as he was pulled away from this life…

I started looking up information about dragonflies…
The main symbolisms of the dragonfly are renewal, positive force and the power of life in general. Some Native Americans believe dragonflies are the souls of their loved ones. Also, as a creature of the wind, the dragonfly frequently represents change and transformation. And as a dragonfly lives a short life, it knows it must live its life to the fullest with the short time it has - which is a lesson for all of us.

A while later I was buying a gift for a special person...she happened to be the person that worked at the funeral home where Remi was. We miraculously were able to see him again two weeks after he died…to have our special time with him, memorize him and tell him everything we needed to…and to say our good bye’s in a clearer state…he was so beautiful.

I bought her a book and a dragonfly bookmark because it reminded me of him. After all...the gift was really about him and to thank her for being so wonderfully kind to us. She bought me a gift too. As she opened her present, I explained that I had to get her a dragonfly bookmark because it reminds me of my son Remi…..She started to cry and shake her head in disbelief. She handed me her gift….when I opened it… it was a tiny jade green dragonfly and a story about a dragonfly. Part of the story was used on Remi’s Urn…this is what it says...

A million tears or more these eyes have cried
And a million more lay in wait
I am bathed with them
And yet my heart is still broken
And all that is within me aches
With the loss of you, the wanting of you
I know that your spirit flies free
And in the quiet depths of my heart, I can see you still
In the iridescent gleam of each dragonfly
Skimming the surface between heaven and earth
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It took me six months after Remington died to finally be able to design his Urn and the artwork to go on it…I couldn’t imagine having to sum up what his life meant on such a small surface…even though his life on earth lasted only a day. I was overwhelmed and nothing seemed good enough.
An artist friend of mine was trying to help me with the artwork but she had so much going on herself that I didn’t want to take up her time. I did know that I wanted a dragonfly and preferably a watercolor…I considered doing it myself for a while, but doing the artwork along with the words perfectly was an enormous effort in my state of mind…and I would mess it up for sure.
I searched high and low for inspiration…then one day I went on to a web site that allows artists to display their work and you can commission them…I entered dragonflies in the search area…it brought up over fifteen thousand items…everything from jewelry, clothing, art, dishes you name it. I looked through these things for weeks…buying a couple things along the way.
I came across a watercolor of dragonflies that I loved it instantly…that was the kind of thing I wanted for his Urn. It was actually a bookmark so it was too small but I wondered and hoped that this artist would make me something custom....I clicked on the item to get the contact information…the name of her web site was…RemingtonCreations.com… Chills went down my spine and I knew this was meant to be…

I contacted the artist…who’s last name happened to be Remington…we worked together for weeks on this important project. She knew how priceless it was to us…and she made us the most perfect tribute to him…the entire story was perfect.
I’m always amazed that the artwork she displayed at the time I was searching was of her watercolor dragonfly bookmark. She paints and displays many different things…but that’s what led me to her…or was it something else? Needless to say I had to buy the bookmark too.
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This past Christmas 09, Kristian and I decided to get away for the first time since Remi died. It was a really hard trip for me to take…for some reason I felt as if I was leaving him behind and I felt guilty to go…he should have been with us in body not just in spirit…our little boy on the Christmas trip we had already planned as a family.
I remember the plane flight there…I was in a row where next to me was a missing seat…that just summed it up and made it all the more in my face…he wasn’t with us and neither was his seat.. I started to feel as if I were drowning at thirty two thousand feet…I could barely breathe.
On one hand it was nice to be in a new place with my Husband, but I was broken beyond repair…
The thing that made my trip take a happy turn was when I went out on the balcony on Christmas morning…there were at least 40to 50 dragonflies circling in front of our room…
I watched them and cried for at least an hour….what a perfect present.
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Today June 8, 2010…we went to the Santa Barbara Cemetery to possibly find a suitable place to memorialize Remi’s life. A place to go and honor him, a place with his name written in stone..forever.
We were taken and shown 2 different areas of the Cemetery….nothing felt quite right though.
We had one other place to look…the Sunrise Urn Garden… when I walked there I just felt that this was the place. Kristian and I sat on a bench next to a fountain and it just seemed peaceful and right…
A few minutes later a single dragonfly came and flew around and around the area where we sat…as we watched, it came closer and closer to us almost touching me, then would fly around in the area that we were considering…we watched him for about 20 minutes…we felt that this was definitely a sign from Remi, giving us his approval...
As we left we tried to take photos and video of the dragonfly…which is almost impossible. We walked out of the garden and he went with us…at the end of the garden he turned toward us and just hovered in mid air for a minute at least…we walked toward him and he stayed there, then we said good bye, as we walked to the car we watched him fly away up into the sky…

Remi…my beautiful dragonfly
               = i =

Valentine's Day

I'm so thankful to have an amazing, supportive, loving husband who is my forever Valentine.

Oh and Parker too...so we can shower him with love and dress him up to look quite adorable : ) He's our little Cupid and always makes us feel better.

A heartfelt e-mail from a relative of my Husband

 I'm glad there are people with kind hearts that choose to share touching things like this that help us...

Hi Kris and Kellie,

The memorial you have created for your son is just beautiful. I have had a
really good look at all the pictures - My God he was beautiful!

I kept thinking how much different it is these days to when some of our
ancestors lost their children and were told to forget about it because that
would be easier. It wasn't.

My Grandma - your great-great-aunty Elsie lost her first son too. His name
was Benjamin Arthur Florance, and he was still born, so she never got to
feel his heart beat, and that was on 3rd November 1922. She was in labor
for 48 hours in an old house in South Greenbushes, and had her Mum and an
elderly midwife with her, and she nearly died. He weighed 13lb 8oz, and she
was only 5'2". There was no reason given for his death, and she never saw
him or held him.

When I had Chris, I had gestational diabetes, and was told it was
hereditory. Mum didn't have it with me, but Grandma described the symptoms
of when her Ben was born and my doctor did a kind of "delayed" diagnosis and
confirmed that is what she had too.

The day I told her? 3rd November 1992.

Her response?

"My little boy. He would have been 70 today. I finally know I did nothing
wrong. His name was Ben, and he was beautiful." Then she cried and told me
how much she missed him.

He never left her, she had 2 more children, 3 grand daughters, and I was
pregnant with her 3rd great-grandchild when she died, but she never ever
forgot Ben.

Why?
Because she was a good parent.

Just like you two.

written by my dear friend Annje ~ the capital letters make Remington's name.

your heart will Remember me

for Ever more it beats on, pulsing with My blood

Intense love, pain, and sadness are your constant companions

as None can comprehend

remember that after darkness, there is always liGht

Together we will always be

One heart, two souls

Never will we part

The Do's and Don'ts of grief support ~ I was told this is a help for friends & family

Do's
Do ask, "How are you REALLY doing?"

Do remember that you can't take away their pain, but you can share it and help them feel less alone.

Do let your genuine concern and care show.

Do call the child by name.

Do treat the couple equally. Fathers need as much support as mothers.

Do be available...to listen, to run errands, to drive, help with the other children, or whatever else seems needed at the time.

Do say you are sorry about what happened to their child and about their pain.

Do accept their moods whatever they may be, you are not there to judge. Be sensitive to shifting moods.

Do allow them to talk about the child that has died as much and as often as they want.

Do talk about the special, endearing qualities of the child.

Do give special attention to the child's brother and sister--at the funeral and in the months to come (they too are hurt and confused and in need of attention which their parents may not be able to give).

Do reassure the parents that they did everything they could, that the care the child received was the best possible.

Do put on your calendar the birth and death date of the child and remember the family the following year(s). That you remember the child is very supportive.

Do extend invitations to them. But understand if they decline or change their minds at the last minute. Above all continue to call and visit.

Do send a personal note or letter or make a contribution to a charity that is meaningful to the family.

Do get literature about the grief process to help you understand.

Don'ts
Don't be afraid to ask about the deceased child and to share memories.

Don't think that the age of the child determines its value and impact.

Don't be afraid to touch, it can often be more comforting than words.

Don't avoid them because you feel helpless or uncomfortable, or don't know what to say.

Don't change the subject when they mention their child.

Don't push the parents through the grieving process, it takes a long time to heal and they never forget.

Don't ask them how they feel if you aren't willing to listen.

Don't say you know how they feel.

Don't tell them what they should feel or do.

Don't try to find something positive in the child's death.

Don't point out that at least they have their other children.

Don't say that they can always have another child.

Don't suggest that they should be grateful fo their other children.

Don't think that death puts a ban on laughter. There is much enjoyment in the memory of the time they had together.

Avoid the following cliches:

"Be brave,don't cry."

"It was God's will" or "it was a blessing."

"Get on with your life. This isn't the end of the world."

"God needed another flower in his garden."

"At least it wasn't older."

"You must be strong for the other children."

"You're doing so well."

"You're young, you'll get over it."

"Time will heal."

I read this today and it gave me hope

In this sad world of ours, sorrow comes to all.
It comes with bittersweet agony.
Perfect relief is not possible, except with time.
You cannot now realize that you will ever feel better. And, yet, this is a mistake.
You are sure to be happy again. To know this, which is certainly true, will make you less miserable now.
I have experienced enough to know what I say.
- Abraham Lincoln
 

Abraham Lincoln & Mary Todd had 4 sons:
Edward Baker died at 3 years of age

Six Months

Today Remi would be six months old......

How can it be that he isn't here with us.

I really don't know what to think....half the time I still catch myself daydreaming about what he would be like and how much different our lives would be. 
The pain is still so raw...

Instead of watching him grow and playing with him...today I just completed designing his Urn and the artwork that will go on it.

I feel we have a bit more time in between the waves that crash over us so that we can enjoy life a bit...but when they hit...they do so with such force that it really is debilitating....and they just keep coming. We know this will be part of our lives as we will miss his presence forever...

We want to say thank you to everyone who donated to hospice in Remi's honor. Hospice has been a life line for us. We appreciate your thoughtfulness.

xx

Christmas in Mexico...