words from my friend Amy

Hey Kellie

I have been reading your blog & am very touched by it. I hope that sharing these feelings is helping you, it is good to get it OUT.

I wanted to comment on a few things, but I am a true computer Klutz & can't post anything. But I love the 1 about when you found out you were preggo, and how you told Kristian.

I think about Remi a lot, especially over Christmas.

love you,

Amy

words from a wonderful woman " Meganne" who helped me a lot

dear kellie..................


how wonderful to hear your words of Love...............your hearts are so big and i feel the Love that remington brought to you both..............wow, what a way to cherish him........by creating that blog, that bouquet of memories ...........sharing them with all of us.............letting us love him also...............

my heart feels remington and is filled............ayla, my girl is with him also..............and it brings tears to my eyes...............

i'm thankful that her passing allowed me to help you...................

you are now helping many others.................

blessings to you and kristian.................and Love,

meganne

i wanted to post this on your blog, but i'm not that skilled............please post it for me.......thank you!

A year ago tomorrow

A year ago tomorrow I found out I was pregnant(December 22, 08). We had been trying for quite some time so when a friend suggest I go buy a test kit I really didn't think it would be positive...

We were having company for two + weeks over the holidays and all I could think was...not now please. I was so exhausted that I couldn't stay awake. I thought I must be getting the flu because I ached and felt sick. On my way to do the grocery run before company arrived I started crying as I was driving. I knew I wasn't up for company but that was a funny reaction...come to find out it was raging hormones. My friend called as I was sitting in the parking lot of the store crying my eyes out...she suggested picking up a test kit. I had to stand in line at the grocery store pharmacy and I didn't have time to be doing that(thinking it would just be negative anyway). I ended up leaving the line and then going back, knowing I wouldn't be able to get away to pick one up without the firing line of questions about where I was going all alone. 

I rushed home and ran upstairs to take the test...as I was opening it a car pulled up, they were here. I ripped it open and was trying to read the instructions as they were coming in the house. Kristian starts yelling for me as I'm peeing on the stick...then they start coming up the stairs and Kristian is still yelling for me...any second I knew it would be the same old negative.....NO, it turned positive right away : ) I'm sitting in the toilet in utter disbelief, happiness, shock you name it. All the while my husband is still yelling for me and bringing people into our bedroom. I needed a minute to myself, I had never been pregnant before so I was shaking and my mind was gone. Should I run out screaming I'M PREGNANT or wait and tell Kristian first??

I would wait and tell him on Christmas Eve. Three very long days to live with the greatest news, alone.

Eventually I made it out of the bathroom and had no idea what I was saying about anything...all I could think was I'M PREGNANT! Just to be sure though I headed straight to drink as much water as possible so I could take the other test right away. When I did.....again, positive right away. Yay! Then the private search(in a house with 5 guests) for an OBGYN in a town I just moved to started. I lucked out and found the best possible one and was able to see her the next day(Dec. 23) for a proof positive test. I liked her immediately...and her test was positive. All the people in the office were so happy and I was beaming. It was also a relief that someone else knew the good news. I had the office write a letter to Kristian telling him the news (click on the letter above) I wrapped this and gave it to him when we found a private moment on Christmas Eve. I was nervous, and he thought I was serving him with papers of some sort because he could tell I was acting strange(more than usual), it was funny. We sat on the couch in our room and when he read it he actually fell onto the floor, grabbed my legs and was crying then we both cried together. It was an amazing moment that I'll never forget and will cherish forever!

Worldwide Candle lighting ~ 12-13-09

Kristian and I attended a candlelight vigil on December 13, in memory of our son Remi and all children who have died. The event was Worldwide and gave Parents a special way to honor their child. There were hundreds of  people that attended. We took a framed photo of him and placed it with all the others. When his name was read we lit the candle that we were given for him and placed at his photo. Everyone received a candle to hold and it was lit by the person next to you. It was so beautiful and touching to see all the candles lit for them on their day of rememberance.

Many wonderful friends and family lit a candle for Remi...thank you for that.

Light Up A Life ~ 12-6-09

A couple nights ago on December 6, our local Hospice held an event called "Light up a life" to honor those we've lost. We hung stars with our loved ones names on the tree of life. The tree was lit and songs were sang, but as I sat there with my husband and friends who also experienced loss, I still couldn't believe this is our reality. It still feels like a bad dream. Our son Remi should be five months old this Christmas, instead we sat there with tears streaming down our faces and empty arms. I hung a star for him and one for my Grandmother next to each other...because I hope they're together now.

A photo that was taken of the tree shows a little boy looking at the stars and it just makes me miss our son even more if that's possible.

The Secret Garden Meeting

"So this meeting we would like to talk about where you are. Where are you at in your grief. Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?"
===========================================================================

 Our Son Remington "Remi" passed away July 28, 2009, so it's just a little over three months. He lived for one day and passed away in my arms after he fought so hard to live. I feel like I'm finally through the denial phase, but the same question of WHY still goes through my head daily. We experienced a "fetal maternal hemorrhage" at full term, which is extremely rare. Getting an explanation that I can understand and that will allow me to move away from this question has not been easy. The pregnancy was flawless up to this point, so when the ultimate disaster hit us out of the blue we were blindsided. I tried for a year to get pregnant and when I was everything in my life was directed at making it the best and most healthy pregnancy I could.

 I think about him all the time! I have thoughts of what he would look like now and in the future, along with all the things we would be doing together. I think about how our future is forever changed and life will be so different then it should have been...so much less. I have dreams about him, and I can feel the love so strong that it overpowers everything. Then I wake up and the loss and grief is suffocating. Sometimes I just want to sleep forever.

 In the future I would love to be able to get to a place that doesn't hurt so badly when I think of him, because he should be with me. Right now all I want is my Son...that's all I want. I know that's not going to happen but that's what I feel now. I hope to be able to look at his photos and think on the memories that surround him without such pain and overwhelming sense of loss.

I'm now starting to have a few "better" days where I can halfway enjoy being alive. Although...a day hasn't passed so far that I haven't cried my eyes out, felt sick and that nothing else matters. Most things in life right now seem so trivial and superficial to me. I find it very hard to have a "regular conversation" without feeling exhausted from trying to make idle chit chat. I love it when people mention Remi's name or at least ask me how I'm coping or getting through the day(not... how are you, because I'm not "fine"). I know that way he was important to them too and that they understand I'm thinking of him always. I feel a relief with that. I have also found myself in an angry phase...angry at the people who have made no effort after three and a half months have passed to reach out in any way. I think in times like this you really find out who you should surround yourself with and who not to. I find it amazing that people we hardly knew or didn't know can be our biggest supporters and that some members of your own family can act as if nothing ever happened.

My Husband Kristian & I joined a Hospice group for bereaved Parents. The people there are so compassionate and wonderful. We are the new people to the group so hearing what others have experienced and made it through has given me some hope that I can survive(I didn't think I would). Knowing we're not alone and having support has eased a bit of the pain. I also have a Horse and when I'm able to be around him I find it very therapeutic. You have to really pay attention when you're around them so that gives my mind a break. Taking care of him, loving on him and our little Angel Dog Parker give me brief moments of happiness.

A Year Without Shiloh

~ A Year Without Shiloh ~

October 28, 2009

To our dear friends Rachel and Andreas who lost their precious daughter 1 year ago.

You are missed dearly
Every moment of each day
You have touched so many lives
In a very positive way

I feel as if I know you
Although we haven’t even met
Your parents describe you beautifully
So no one will forget

You picked the perfect Mom and Dad
To share your pure life with
They cherish you with all they have
You are their ultimate gift

They etched you on their bodies
A permanent reminder
To show how proud of you they are
Their precious heavenly daughter

It’s been a year without your presence
Each day knowing what is missing
I know that you’ll soon come back
Until then…we’ll all keep wishing

You may be a girl or a boy
We don’t know what you will choose
To finally complete your journey
With Rachel and Andreas who love you

Little Angel Shiloh
Will you please take Remi’s hand
To help guide each other home…back to us again

Two Months

I don’t know why you had to go
The greater reason I’ll never know

My heart is shattered beyond repair
My body cries in despair
Remi you changed my life forever
I always pray we’ll be together

I’m your Mother for all time
Your heart, it lives on in mine

Your life was lost inside of me
I know now your soul is free

Consumed by you I’m paralyzed
I often wonder if I’ll survive

Today you’d be two months old
I long for you but you’ll never know

I imagine what you’d be like now
Golden hair, blue eyes or are they brown

The things we’d be doing if given the chance
The pain of your absence leads to a trance

I’d hug and kiss you... maybe more than I should
I’d love and teach you all that I could

Instead I’m trapped in a revolving door
With thoughts that lie too deep for words

Numb

You were our future
The best of what would come
I can’t see it anymore
I feel too numb

Nothing seems real
Are you really gone
It’s been two months now
And two months too long

I look at your prints
And examine your things
I don’t really care
About life in between

Your bed is beside me
Every night without fail
Your ashes lie in it
This is my Hell

Sympathy cards displayed
Through out our home
As sweet as the notion
We’re here alone

Your Nursery was ready
With comfort and surprises
I get lost in there
It wasn’t meant to be lifeless

Was this your destiny
Just nine months with me
Or was something wrong
Something no one could see

I question this daily
And hourly it seems
I want you here in my arms
Not just in my dreams

Glass

I don’t recognize myself in the mirror
Everything’s changed
Nothing seems clear

My eyes are always sad… they’ve lost their light
My body’s aged from this plight

The grief envelops me to my core
I don’t care to breathe anymore

I’ve lost my purpose and my son
I barely get anything done

I struggle to get out of bed …let alone make it
To study for my exam…let alone take it

Most days I’m a disaster
I lack passion; trust…..and I miss the laughter

I’m focused on ways to honor Remi
Maybe a beautiful urn or a flowering tree
There’s just so many

I hope someday this depth of sorrow will pass
So I’ll know the lady who’s looking back from the glass